You’re Allowed to Outgrow Your Old Self.
There’s something deeply unsettling about change, especially when it’s within ourselves. We spend years building identities, habits, relationships, and routines that feel safe and familiar. But what happens when those versions of ourselves no longer fit? What happens when the life we built starts to feel like it belongs to someone else?
This discomfort is real. But it’s also a signal: a sign that we’re growing.
The Myth of a Fixed Self
From a young age, many of us are taught to strive for stability. We're asked, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” as if there’s one fixed answer that will stay true forever. We adopt roles, daughter, son, student, achiever, caretaker, the strong one, the funny one, and these roles often stick long after they stop serving us. But the truth is, we are meant to evolve. Just like a snake sheds its skin or a tree sheds its leaves, we too are meant to outgrow the past versions of ourselves. The process is natural, but it can feel like betrayal, of others, of expectations, and even of ourselves.
Why Change Feels So Uncomfortable
Letting go of old selves is rarely graceful. It can feel like mourning. Even when we know that we’ve outgrown a certain lifestyle, belief system, or relationship, it can be terrifying to walk away. Why? Because our identity is wrapped up in those things. Change threatens the illusion of stability we’ve built around ourselves.
You may find yourself thinking:
“But I used to love this job, what’s wrong with me?”
“I fought hard to be this person, why do I feel empty now?”
“If I grow, will I leave people behind?”
These are valid questions, and they often come from a place of fear, not failure. Growth requires courage, especially when it challenges the comfort of the known.
Therapy: A Mirror and a Map
This is where therapy often becomes a game-changer. It acts as both a mirror and a map. In the mirror, you see what’s truly going on, your patterns, your fears, your self-concept, your unhealed wounds. With the map, you begin to chart a path toward the version of you that’s waiting to emerge. In therapy, many people realise for the first time that they’ve been living according to old scripts, scripts written by family dynamics, cultural expectations, trauma, or survival. These scripts might have helped you cope once. But now? They may be keeping you stuck. Therapy doesn’t just help you identify these scripts it empowers you to rewrite them.
Letting Go Without Shame
One of the most powerful things you can tell yourself is this: “I am allowed to change.”
You’re allowed to:
Change your mind.
Grow out of relationships that no longer align.
Pursue things that once scared you.
Release habits and beliefs that no longer serve you.
Be someone your past self wouldn’t recognize.
And most importantly, you’re allowed to do all of this without guilt or shame. Too often, we attach morality to consistency. We think being the same person we were ten years ago is a sign of integrity. But in truth, real integrity comes from being honest about where you are now, not who you used to be.
The Grief of Growth
It’s important to acknowledge that personal evolution comes with grief. You might miss parts of your old self. You might miss how certain relationships felt, even if they weren’t healthy. You might long for the certainty you used to have before you started questioning everything. This grief is not a sign that you’re doing something wrong. It’s a sign that you’re human. Growth and grief are companions; you can’t have one without the other. But in the space where you shed the old, something new has room to grow. Your values may shift. Your voice might get stronger. Your boundaries become clearer. And slowly, your life begins to reflect who you truly are, not just who you were expected to be.
Your Old Self Got You Here
Outgrowing your old self doesn’t mean rejecting them. That version of you, whether they were anxious, people-pleasing, avoidant, perfectionistic, or scared, was doing their best. They got you to this moment. They kept you safe in a world that may not have always felt safe. You can honour them while choosing not to stay in their story. Think of it this way: you wouldn’t wear the same clothes you wore at age 12, would you? Not because they were bad, but because they no longer fit. The same goes for emotional and psychological patterns. They may have once “fit” your environment, but you’ve outgrown them. And that’s a good thing.
Personal Growth Isn’t Linear
If you’re in the middle of change, it’s okay if it feels messy. Growth rarely happens in a straight line. Sometimes it looks like progress; other times, like backsliding. Sometimes it feels exciting; other times, paralysing. This is all part of the process. In therapy, many people discover that the discomfort they’re feeling isn’t because they’re broken, it’s because they’re expanding. They’re stepping into a life that aligns more deeply with their truth.
Embracing the New You
There’s something powerful about choosing yourself again and again, even when it’s hard. About saying, “This version of me deserves space.” The more you do it, the more aligned you become. And when you're aligned, things shift, relationships, priorities, even your sense of peace. You may lose some things or people along the way. But you’ll gain something far more valuable: authenticity. And with authenticity comes freedom, the freedom to live fully, not just functionally.
Final Thoughts: You Don’t Have to Stay Who You Were
There is no rulebook that says you must stay who you were five years ago, five months ago, or even five minutes ago. Every day is an invitation to choose again. To listen to your gut. To honour your growth. To stop waiting for permission and start trusting your inner compass. So if you’re in that in-between place, where the old you is gone but the new you is still forming, breathe. Be gentle. You’re not lost. You’re in transition. And that’s where transformation begins.
You’re allowed to outgrow your old self. In fact, you’re supposed to.